Marriage.
There was a time (a long period of time) when that word made
my stomach hurt. Literally. And then it would make me feel joy I
never thought would end, and then in a flash it would end and I’d feel the
complete opposite of joy again. Over
and over we’d go, dancing together and nailing each step perfectly yet unaware
that we were equally participating in a painful and premeditated dance with
each other. A dance we’d learned
the steps to decades ago and perfected together over 5 years of time. A dance of brokenness and of really good
intentions coming from handicapped hearts. Hearts that didn't know a different way. A hurtful dance that we know too well. All too well.
A dance that is winding down more and more each day, thank
you Jesus.
It’s being replaced by an imperfect set of steps reminding
us constantly that we don’t know what we are doing but we surely are not going
back to the deceivingly comfortable memorized patterns that decayed our
covenant for years. It’s a dance
that often causes us to stumble and fall… but now we lend a hand to the one who
is down instead of walking away feeling justified and secretly vindicated that
the other is sitting in their mess.
A dance that feels wrong in so many ways, but when we search deep enough
we see a love that is becoming more and more void of self. A dance that is beautiful and freeing
yet painful in the best ways possible.
A Jesus kind of love.
A love that costs a lot, but without strings attached. A love without motives. A love that accepts with warmth rather
than with stipulations and unspoken expectations. I am good at that.
A love that doesn’t keep track and doesn’t keep asking the same secret
questions, “When is it MY turn? Haven't I given enough?”.
An other-focused, I’m all in, meet-ya-where-you-are kind of love.
Ya know, the love God has for us. Everyday.
I’m learning slowly that even though we have handicapped
hearts with tendencies to revert to patterns we’ve practiced for most of our
lives, there is a simple yet profound realization that the love of Jesus is
enough. It is.
His love, recognized, pondered, received and penetrated into
the hearts of people can love impossibly.
And not only that, JOY will flow forth. Joy. I’ve been
missing a lot of joy.
Serving one another instead of standing our ground produces
joy. Realizing the other’s deep
soul needs instead of cataloging my own neediness produces joy. Remaining silent and praying produces
joy. Wisdom and discernment to
have hard conversations at the right time produces joy. Waiting on God to fix the problems only
He has control over produces joy.
Releasing each other to Jesus produces joy. And a whole lot of freedom.
And that God kind of love, that which is natural and
other-focused and an outflow of our deep reliance and desperation for Him will
penetrate one another’s souls. Because
it’s not our love for one another, it’s God loving us well through each
other.
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